I met a previous friend of mine today. Actually it wasn't a meeting as much as it was an ambush. I was unprepared to meet him and talking to him made me instantly uncomfortable. Our roads had parted in a strange manner and we had never really properly talked about it after the breach.
After some strange small talk he asked me if I hated him. Actually, he asked me that a few times. I don't remember what my answer was but I do recall that the question itself baffled me. It made me wonder about hate.
Have I hated this year? Oh, I have. I have hated, loathed and detested things and people so much during the past 365 days that the next natural step for me would be wearing a bomb-belt. But for some reason I feel surprisingly light. No timer is ticking under my coat; my finger is not reaching for the detonator. I can't even smell the gunpowder.
I've been humiliated, demeaned, underrated, ridiculed, demoted and dumped this year. I've been treated badly by people that I truly trusted and who were supposed to support me. Thus, I have hated them. Oh, that lovely, alluring and utterly consuming feeling has become very familiar to me, indeed.
Hatred is an ugly fruit of a letdown, and while it rots it becomes even more bitter and distasteful. It covers under all other good feelings with its strong, intoxicating taste. Yet I decided to keep eating it, like it was the only thing that would keep me alive. I became addicted to it and failed to see that the only one that truly suffered from it was myself. Oh, I should have known better. I have eaten a basket full of those little bastards this year.
How to let go of it then? I always found it very hard. It wasn't effortless, not at all. It was most of all a decision – a very prompt decision. No hesitation allowed.
It took some soul searching to figure out when I had wallowed enough and reached the limit. In my case the best pointer was the moment when I realized that my hatred towards one thing or person slowly started spreading towards all other things and people as well. It had to stop. Not for their sake, but for my own.
First it annoyed me. I missed that bitter taste. It was so close all the time, right there in my reach constantly. All I needed to do was grab it. But then I understood that I had become sick of that horrible taste and it made me feel ill. So, I left it alone, not matter how much it tempted me.
Making that decision every day is certainly not easy nor simple. But after a while it pays off, it really does. The craving for that venomous fruit becomes lesser and lesser, until one day it's finally gone. And then, slowly you start seeing and tasting other things again. Nice things, positive things. And I know that I've kicked that bad habit for now, and smashed those ugly fruits under my feet.
I must admit though that seeing this past friend of mine reminded me of that taste again. For a second I wanted nothing but to hate him again – like I had never hated before. But the sensation didn't come to me. Slight discomfort was the only clear feeling I was able to recognize. And strangely enough, I felt glad that I didn't feel it anymore. It was gone, finally. Perhaps I hadn't forgiven him yet but at least seeing him didn't make me want to stab him in the eye anymore. I didn't hate him anymore.
* * *
In the end – I believe this will be the last blogging I'll be doing this year. And for year 2012: I'm sure it holds lots of surprises within. I merely wish that I won't hate, despise or be provoked so much. Next year I want to learn and to know the good things about life. Resolution made – thank you for reading and have a wonderful New Year 2012 everyone!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
My way is the sly way
After moving to Portugal 2,5 years ago I thought I would somehow release myself of all the unspoken norms and values of the modern society that I felt to be forced and restrictive. This indeed happened, for most parts at least. Now I don't have to listen how complete strangers judge – more or less obviously – my life and the decisions I've made so far. Not that I haven't made choices in life that shouldn't be reviewed, but I think that in these cases the only person who is allowed to criticize anything is the person who made the decisions in the first place; he or she is in any case the person who finally profits or suffers from the choices that were made. In this case this person is of course me.
However, I am not fully free even here. Perhaps the pressure from the community has eased, but it managed to leave its mark in my subconscious nevertheless. I don't need an outer authority to judge my own life and lifestyle – some hysterical, conservative part of my very own brain makes me question my life constantly. When I see people of my own age (or even younger, God forbid) and assess their lives and accomplishments so far, I instantly feel worried and at times even ashamed of my own life. Because according to the criteria of a modern Western society, what have I really reached? That list would be very, very short, I'm afraid. I don't have a high education nor a profitable job; I don't have an apartment, house or a car – I don't even have a driver's license; I don't have a husband and I don't have kids; I don't even have a dog. So, if the modern society would define me, I wouldn't be much of anything. (At least I have a job though, otherwise I would probably be that famous scum of the Earth.)
But for some reason, every time I start blaming myself of all the decisions I've made, I have to also think about the following: are the reasons that I punish myself for actually reasons that I see are important, or are they rather just some forced, built-in patterns that only exist to make us some sort of model citizens? In other words, producing, spending, tax-paying little ants.
I don't underrate other people's choices and conclusions in life. I'm pretty sure that for the majority of us it's important and fulfilling to follow that clear ready-made path, and I think it really makes most of us happy. Get an education, get a spouse, get a good job, get a house, get some kids, raise the kids, be a decent parent, retire, and then guide your own kids to follow this same, obvious road. Yes, it sounds quite ordinary. Sounds like something to strive for, even, and sounds like something that's possible to achieve.
But life doesn't always go as we hope and expect, no matter how sincere and heartfelt our wishes might be. Anything can happen to any one of us, sometimes even to those strong ones who seem to get everything they want in life. Not to mention those who didn't have so much begin with.
And then there are those who for one reason or another don't affiliate with these previously mentioned values and goals. I must say that to want to achieve some or most of those things you will have to have a little loving for money, and for me money has never meant anything else than something that clinks in my wallet. Money itself doesn't have an absolute value to me; it is not my goal in life, and trying to scrape it together frantically has never brought me any happiness. Actually, for whatever reason, I have almost always been the happiest when I've had very little money to use.
Not that being penniless would make you happy, either. Of course I like to buy things too, to spend money on myself or the people I care about. You must have money if you just simply want to eat – so, there's no life without money anymore, it seems. This wicked thing seems to be one of the biggest things to cause unhappiness and pressure in the world (especially now), and even though I truly feel for the people who are actually in need, I can't help but simply pity the people who just gather money like hamsters, just for the sake of it, like it was some magical, glorifying substance that makes your life fulfilled, and ultimately makes you a better person also.
But if you don't follow the norms of a modern civilized society, then what guidelines do you have in life? What leads me ahead in life, what do I want to fight for? Surely, there are some things that even I find alluring and desirable, like having that special person in my life, or at some point starting my own family even. But the rest of those things I don't wish to control me. Nowadays it seems more challenging to question the ready-made little boxes that we are all born into, and trying to find that one path that truly makes you feel happy. Why would I spend my life trying to please some faceless, formless, shapeless concept of ”society?” I simply want to find my own way, and to dispute the already existing unspoken norms. Perhaps if more people would bravely look inside themselves and dare to think what is it that really makes them happy, we wouldn't have so many miserable, wretched souls on this planet.
That is merely speculative, though. I can only judge this world from my own point of view; I'm sure there are a lot of people who would fiercely disagree with me. In the meanwhile I will keep looking for that path, maybe for a little while I will even step on this ready-made trail, and then I will be back in the bushes, doing my very best at being true to my heart. It will remain a mystery though whether I will succeed or not, and in the end who wins – if anyone.
However, I am not fully free even here. Perhaps the pressure from the community has eased, but it managed to leave its mark in my subconscious nevertheless. I don't need an outer authority to judge my own life and lifestyle – some hysterical, conservative part of my very own brain makes me question my life constantly. When I see people of my own age (or even younger, God forbid) and assess their lives and accomplishments so far, I instantly feel worried and at times even ashamed of my own life. Because according to the criteria of a modern Western society, what have I really reached? That list would be very, very short, I'm afraid. I don't have a high education nor a profitable job; I don't have an apartment, house or a car – I don't even have a driver's license; I don't have a husband and I don't have kids; I don't even have a dog. So, if the modern society would define me, I wouldn't be much of anything. (At least I have a job though, otherwise I would probably be that famous scum of the Earth.)
But for some reason, every time I start blaming myself of all the decisions I've made, I have to also think about the following: are the reasons that I punish myself for actually reasons that I see are important, or are they rather just some forced, built-in patterns that only exist to make us some sort of model citizens? In other words, producing, spending, tax-paying little ants.
I don't underrate other people's choices and conclusions in life. I'm pretty sure that for the majority of us it's important and fulfilling to follow that clear ready-made path, and I think it really makes most of us happy. Get an education, get a spouse, get a good job, get a house, get some kids, raise the kids, be a decent parent, retire, and then guide your own kids to follow this same, obvious road. Yes, it sounds quite ordinary. Sounds like something to strive for, even, and sounds like something that's possible to achieve.
But life doesn't always go as we hope and expect, no matter how sincere and heartfelt our wishes might be. Anything can happen to any one of us, sometimes even to those strong ones who seem to get everything they want in life. Not to mention those who didn't have so much begin with.
And then there are those who for one reason or another don't affiliate with these previously mentioned values and goals. I must say that to want to achieve some or most of those things you will have to have a little loving for money, and for me money has never meant anything else than something that clinks in my wallet. Money itself doesn't have an absolute value to me; it is not my goal in life, and trying to scrape it together frantically has never brought me any happiness. Actually, for whatever reason, I have almost always been the happiest when I've had very little money to use.
Not that being penniless would make you happy, either. Of course I like to buy things too, to spend money on myself or the people I care about. You must have money if you just simply want to eat – so, there's no life without money anymore, it seems. This wicked thing seems to be one of the biggest things to cause unhappiness and pressure in the world (especially now), and even though I truly feel for the people who are actually in need, I can't help but simply pity the people who just gather money like hamsters, just for the sake of it, like it was some magical, glorifying substance that makes your life fulfilled, and ultimately makes you a better person also.
But if you don't follow the norms of a modern civilized society, then what guidelines do you have in life? What leads me ahead in life, what do I want to fight for? Surely, there are some things that even I find alluring and desirable, like having that special person in my life, or at some point starting my own family even. But the rest of those things I don't wish to control me. Nowadays it seems more challenging to question the ready-made little boxes that we are all born into, and trying to find that one path that truly makes you feel happy. Why would I spend my life trying to please some faceless, formless, shapeless concept of ”society?” I simply want to find my own way, and to dispute the already existing unspoken norms. Perhaps if more people would bravely look inside themselves and dare to think what is it that really makes them happy, we wouldn't have so many miserable, wretched souls on this planet.
That is merely speculative, though. I can only judge this world from my own point of view; I'm sure there are a lot of people who would fiercely disagree with me. In the meanwhile I will keep looking for that path, maybe for a little while I will even step on this ready-made trail, and then I will be back in the bushes, doing my very best at being true to my heart. It will remain a mystery though whether I will succeed or not, and in the end who wins – if anyone.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
They get what they deserve
I lost it. I admit it; for a minute there, I lost the whole thing. I felt like that unlucky little spider that sneaks up on you while you're having a shower, and the one thing you always do of course, is to flush it down (accompanied with dreadful shrieks). Well, I shall feel a bit more forgiving towards those cunning little eight-legged friends of ours from now on. Because I do believe that I myself swirled down on that drain, with absolutely no control over anything. It simply swallowed me and took me where I belonged – down there with all that shit, filth and darkness.
Oh, but this little spidey was smarter than that. Yeah, I spent some stinky, gloomy hours in that hole of a sewer. But did I let it get me down? In the end, I didn't. It was close though, and I think I lost one of my eyes... But more of that later.
They say life gives you what you deserve. Well – I will have to disagree with that one. First of all, ”life gives?” What the hell has life to give to you in the first place?! Man, it gave you its very self. It's called life. Check it up on Wikipedia or Bible or whatever you believe in, in case you're unfamiliar with the concept. Second of all, that small, all-knowing, cheeky phrase ”what you deserve.” Do I even have to begin with that one? No. I don't want to go there. It would just end up in a pile of swearwords and unimaginable profanities.
Everybody hits their down, at some point. It might seem that some people are just smooth-sailing through life, but I have never believed that to be true. Nobody can smooth-sail this perfect storm they call ”life.” (Or, if anyone has a compass through this, just let me know. Send me an e-mail or something. A text. Even smoke signals will do.) I'm slowly starting to realize that these downfalls and mishaps, even failures, that you occasionally confront in life, are there just to... Be there. Maybe there is no bigger meaning. Sometimes things just happen without you doing anything wrong.
And I am starting to believe, even more strongly, that if we believe there is a bigger meaning behind those failures, there is always a chance for something better. Surely no one wants to live their life believing that everything is a coincidence (which is why I believe religions still exist, but perhaps more on that later). No, it can't be a coincidence. Simply, it can't. And if you believe it can't, then it won't. Then every wrong road you have taken in life, all the foul decisions you have made, seem to make some sense after all.
I have learned something. I didn't let it get me. I found new things. I restored my faith in people. Whatever it might be, to whoever might be reading this – the only thing I wish to say is, don't you stop believing. And it's true: sometimes it takes a lot of tears and a lot of strength, and a lot of weakness and a lot of guts to make yourself believe that there is some meaning, some greater lesson to be learned, but I want to believe that it's worth it. Life is what you make of it, after all.
Ps. Who the hell are these ”they” people?! Because, seriously, I'm getting quite sick of them. They are always late, doing things wrong, or not doing anything. And they always seem to know everything. I'll say: forget get about them. Believe in yourself instead.
Oh, but this little spidey was smarter than that. Yeah, I spent some stinky, gloomy hours in that hole of a sewer. But did I let it get me down? In the end, I didn't. It was close though, and I think I lost one of my eyes... But more of that later.
They say life gives you what you deserve. Well – I will have to disagree with that one. First of all, ”life gives?” What the hell has life to give to you in the first place?! Man, it gave you its very self. It's called life. Check it up on Wikipedia or Bible or whatever you believe in, in case you're unfamiliar with the concept. Second of all, that small, all-knowing, cheeky phrase ”what you deserve.” Do I even have to begin with that one? No. I don't want to go there. It would just end up in a pile of swearwords and unimaginable profanities.
Everybody hits their down, at some point. It might seem that some people are just smooth-sailing through life, but I have never believed that to be true. Nobody can smooth-sail this perfect storm they call ”life.” (Or, if anyone has a compass through this, just let me know. Send me an e-mail or something. A text. Even smoke signals will do.) I'm slowly starting to realize that these downfalls and mishaps, even failures, that you occasionally confront in life, are there just to... Be there. Maybe there is no bigger meaning. Sometimes things just happen without you doing anything wrong.
And I am starting to believe, even more strongly, that if we believe there is a bigger meaning behind those failures, there is always a chance for something better. Surely no one wants to live their life believing that everything is a coincidence (which is why I believe religions still exist, but perhaps more on that later). No, it can't be a coincidence. Simply, it can't. And if you believe it can't, then it won't. Then every wrong road you have taken in life, all the foul decisions you have made, seem to make some sense after all.
I have learned something. I didn't let it get me. I found new things. I restored my faith in people. Whatever it might be, to whoever might be reading this – the only thing I wish to say is, don't you stop believing. And it's true: sometimes it takes a lot of tears and a lot of strength, and a lot of weakness and a lot of guts to make yourself believe that there is some meaning, some greater lesson to be learned, but I want to believe that it's worth it. Life is what you make of it, after all.
Ps. Who the hell are these ”they” people?! Because, seriously, I'm getting quite sick of them. They are always late, doing things wrong, or not doing anything. And they always seem to know everything. I'll say: forget get about them. Believe in yourself instead.
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