I have it. Yes, I do. I goddamn hate them. This is what went through my head this morning as I woke up...
- It's too warm. I'm sweating all the time.
- I still haven't seen The Dark Knight rises.
- I'm flat broke.
- I don't like the color of my nail polish.
- ...But am too lazy to do anything about it.
- I feel guilty for doing nothing.
- I bought the wrong kind of coffee and it tastes bad.
- I have 7 itchy mosquito bites, all in my right foot.
- I fall in love with unavailable men.
- A pigeon took a shit on my newly washed clothes.
- I drink too much.
- I had a nosebleed the minute I got off bed.
- A fly just landed on my ice tea.
- It's mid August and I still don't have a tan.
- I need a new job but nobody is contacting me.
- I have very little self control.
- I'm hungry but I don't want to eat.
- I hate most songs on my iTunes.
- I smoke too much.
- I don't know how I will pay next month's rent.
- I should work out but I can't get myself to do it.
- I'm envious for my friends and I feel bad about it.
- Every time I think "it can't get any worse" it gets a LOT worse.
- I cut my hair recently and now I look like a football.
- I want to move away but I'm scared to try.
- I hate my phone.
- I hate flies.
- I hate my life.
- I hate myself for hating my life.
- I hate Mondays.
I think I'll go back to bed.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Harass me not
An eternal subject has been on my mind a lot lately. No; it's not connected to religion or politics, it's something everyone anywhere can relate to - some more than others, but it's widely universal nevertheless.
Wikipedia describes sexual harassment as "intimidation, bullying or coercion of a sexual nature, or the unwelcome or inappropriate promise of rewards in exchange for sexual favor." While it seems to be more commonly understood as something that takes places at a school, workplace or other organization, I've recently come to realize that you can easily become a subject of such actions while just walking down your home street.
The definition of sexual harassment can be a bit problematic. Ultimately it's in the victim's hands to decide whether or not a certain deed or comment can be seen as harassing; and surely there's a lot of variety in this depending on the person. Others are more prone to report even the slightest actions, and others don't even consider certain things, such as rude jokes or other such remarks, as harassment. I don't want to start a debate of the description though - in this case it's secondary. Instead, I just want to write about my own experiences and hopefully raise some thoughts regarding the matter.
Living in Portugal as a young blond female makes me (unfortunately) a bit more predisposed to sexual harassment in general. I'm not suggesting that Portuguese people are sexist perverts, but I have to admit that certain things I've experienced here I never imagined could happen in Finland. Examples? Yes, I have examples.
Walking to the supermarket or workplace, or more simply just walking down the street already exposes me to certain behavior. It's not uncommon to see pale blonds such as myself in Lisbon, but to be honest I am a bit of an oddball here because of my looks. Men (age, race or position makes no difference here) can make comments, strange sounds, facial expressions or other such things to me when I pass them by on the street. At first I found this highly inappropriate and appalling - now it doesn't really cause any reactions anymore. When I step out of the house I know I will face certain uncomfortable situations. While on the other hand I've grown a thicker skin towards this kind of behavior, I've also realized it has made me change certain things. For example, if I go somewhere by myself, I tend to choose clothes that don't draw any extra attention. Even when the weather is hot (and it can be scorching hot here) I prefer to put on jeans and a normal T-shirt, although I'd really like to put on shorts and a tanktop. If I know I will be in a group of people I might put on something "nicer", but only if I'm certain there's at least 2 other people (male of female) with me.
This is something that doesn't actively bother me so much anymore, but I do find it a bit irritating that I am actually reconsidering my way of dressing because of this.
My other examples are a bit more straight forward and cannot really be debated. The other day I was walking around my neighborhood with a friend of mine - also a young blond female - and sitting in a park close to my apartment. We managed to sit down for a good 5 minutes before this seemingly normal looking guy approached us with a cigarette in his other hand, and the other hand in his pocket. He asked for a lighter which I handed over to him, and that's when we realized he was "shaking hands with the president". He just stood there, doing his thing, speaking to us in English and asking for our names. I asked him to leave which he wouldn't; so we decided to take off instead. As we stood up to go he just moaned and let us know he was ejaculating.
There was another incident very recently that also strike me as sexual harassment, although this time it was virtual. Google e-mail has a chat option, similar to the one Facebook has. For some reason I had one of my ex-colleagues there as a contact, and he began to talk to me, first in a very general way. Unsuspecting, I of course replied and was being polite. Soon enough he told me that he had always found me an interesting and curious person (this I just took as a compliment), and then asked quite bluntly whether I am promiscuous. I tried to shove it off as a bad joke, but he insisted to know if I was "easy". I answered, saying that the question was inappropriate and that I indeed do not consider myself as a slut or such; to which he replied that he was really looking forward to "paying me a visit tonight." Luckily enough for this guy, my internet connection decided to die just as I was creating a ferocious answer to his questionable query. At the moment I didn't think about it much, but the whole incident stuck to my mind and really bothered me afterwards. This half-stranger kind of put me into a position where I suddenly represented just some hole to poke on (sorry for the choice of words, but that's how I felt).
The UN Women site suggests that "40 and 50 percent of women in European Union countries experience unwanted sexual advances, physical contact or other forms of sexual harassment at work." This number is just regarding work, and it's amazingly high. In other words, nearly every other woman is harassed at their workplace; I'd say the real number of sexual harassment must be a lot bigger, if you include incidents outside workplace also. The prevalence of harassment is, in this case, highly connected to the culture also; this link might answer some questions regarding this. I don't want to point a blaming finger here or say Portuguese men are pigs or anything like that though, but I must admit there seems to be vast difference between these two countries I have lived in. Or maybe I was just lucky in Finland; this article (unfortunately in Finnish) is basically saying that sexual harassment at a workplace is a lot more common in Finland than other European Union countries.
Regardless of differences between nations, something should be done. Some awareness about this should be raised. An interesting film by a young woman has been recently released and obviously caused quite a slide of debates and opinions. That wasn't really a surprise; quoting Wikipedia, if the victim of sexual harassment decides to speak up, she/he "...often becomes the accused, with their appearance, private life, and character likely to fall under intrusive scrutiny and attack." What do you think though? Why is it so? Why can't I share my experiences on the matter without being accused myself? What weird hatred towards women does this "modern society" of ours still hold, and why? Women themselves seem to work against each other in many cases, which is even more sad. More than once have I been in a conversation where other women are openly accusing their fellow female citizens for being raped or such, due to their "inappropriate clothing or behavior."
I realize this is a very long post so I will conclude it here. I have no proper answers to any questions I raised - moreover, I remain with a gigantic question mark hanging over my head. If you have any ideas or comments regarding this, I'd be pleased to hear. Fire away!
Wikipedia describes sexual harassment as "intimidation, bullying or coercion of a sexual nature, or the unwelcome or inappropriate promise of rewards in exchange for sexual favor." While it seems to be more commonly understood as something that takes places at a school, workplace or other organization, I've recently come to realize that you can easily become a subject of such actions while just walking down your home street.
The definition of sexual harassment can be a bit problematic. Ultimately it's in the victim's hands to decide whether or not a certain deed or comment can be seen as harassing; and surely there's a lot of variety in this depending on the person. Others are more prone to report even the slightest actions, and others don't even consider certain things, such as rude jokes or other such remarks, as harassment. I don't want to start a debate of the description though - in this case it's secondary. Instead, I just want to write about my own experiences and hopefully raise some thoughts regarding the matter.
Living in Portugal as a young blond female makes me (unfortunately) a bit more predisposed to sexual harassment in general. I'm not suggesting that Portuguese people are sexist perverts, but I have to admit that certain things I've experienced here I never imagined could happen in Finland. Examples? Yes, I have examples.
Walking to the supermarket or workplace, or more simply just walking down the street already exposes me to certain behavior. It's not uncommon to see pale blonds such as myself in Lisbon, but to be honest I am a bit of an oddball here because of my looks. Men (age, race or position makes no difference here) can make comments, strange sounds, facial expressions or other such things to me when I pass them by on the street. At first I found this highly inappropriate and appalling - now it doesn't really cause any reactions anymore. When I step out of the house I know I will face certain uncomfortable situations. While on the other hand I've grown a thicker skin towards this kind of behavior, I've also realized it has made me change certain things. For example, if I go somewhere by myself, I tend to choose clothes that don't draw any extra attention. Even when the weather is hot (and it can be scorching hot here) I prefer to put on jeans and a normal T-shirt, although I'd really like to put on shorts and a tanktop. If I know I will be in a group of people I might put on something "nicer", but only if I'm certain there's at least 2 other people (male of female) with me.
This is something that doesn't actively bother me so much anymore, but I do find it a bit irritating that I am actually reconsidering my way of dressing because of this.
My other examples are a bit more straight forward and cannot really be debated. The other day I was walking around my neighborhood with a friend of mine - also a young blond female - and sitting in a park close to my apartment. We managed to sit down for a good 5 minutes before this seemingly normal looking guy approached us with a cigarette in his other hand, and the other hand in his pocket. He asked for a lighter which I handed over to him, and that's when we realized he was "shaking hands with the president". He just stood there, doing his thing, speaking to us in English and asking for our names. I asked him to leave which he wouldn't; so we decided to take off instead. As we stood up to go he just moaned and let us know he was ejaculating.
There was another incident very recently that also strike me as sexual harassment, although this time it was virtual. Google e-mail has a chat option, similar to the one Facebook has. For some reason I had one of my ex-colleagues there as a contact, and he began to talk to me, first in a very general way. Unsuspecting, I of course replied and was being polite. Soon enough he told me that he had always found me an interesting and curious person (this I just took as a compliment), and then asked quite bluntly whether I am promiscuous. I tried to shove it off as a bad joke, but he insisted to know if I was "easy". I answered, saying that the question was inappropriate and that I indeed do not consider myself as a slut or such; to which he replied that he was really looking forward to "paying me a visit tonight." Luckily enough for this guy, my internet connection decided to die just as I was creating a ferocious answer to his questionable query. At the moment I didn't think about it much, but the whole incident stuck to my mind and really bothered me afterwards. This half-stranger kind of put me into a position where I suddenly represented just some hole to poke on (sorry for the choice of words, but that's how I felt).
The UN Women site suggests that "40 and 50 percent of women in European Union countries experience unwanted sexual advances, physical contact or other forms of sexual harassment at work." This number is just regarding work, and it's amazingly high. In other words, nearly every other woman is harassed at their workplace; I'd say the real number of sexual harassment must be a lot bigger, if you include incidents outside workplace also. The prevalence of harassment is, in this case, highly connected to the culture also; this link might answer some questions regarding this. I don't want to point a blaming finger here or say Portuguese men are pigs or anything like that though, but I must admit there seems to be vast difference between these two countries I have lived in. Or maybe I was just lucky in Finland; this article (unfortunately in Finnish) is basically saying that sexual harassment at a workplace is a lot more common in Finland than other European Union countries.
Regardless of differences between nations, something should be done. Some awareness about this should be raised. An interesting film by a young woman has been recently released and obviously caused quite a slide of debates and opinions. That wasn't really a surprise; quoting Wikipedia, if the victim of sexual harassment decides to speak up, she/he "...often becomes the accused, with their appearance, private life, and character likely to fall under intrusive scrutiny and attack." What do you think though? Why is it so? Why can't I share my experiences on the matter without being accused myself? What weird hatred towards women does this "modern society" of ours still hold, and why? Women themselves seem to work against each other in many cases, which is even more sad. More than once have I been in a conversation where other women are openly accusing their fellow female citizens for being raped or such, due to their "inappropriate clothing or behavior."
I realize this is a very long post so I will conclude it here. I have no proper answers to any questions I raised - moreover, I remain with a gigantic question mark hanging over my head. If you have any ideas or comments regarding this, I'd be pleased to hear. Fire away!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Free falling
Even while still living in Finland I always felt that I was unable to attach myself to anything; the culture, the environment, and ultimately the people in my life. There was some crucial part of me missing that prevented me from feeling that I was part of the world around me. The inner feeling of detachment grew so big that I finally made the decision to get out, run away, try my luck in some other place.
It worked for a while. The sensation of being part of something was stronger when I first arrived in Portugal, but the only reason to it was because I knew I could never fully integrate to the cultrue. Thus it gave me a weird sensation of freedom and belonging at the same time. And now it has turned into floating in nothingness. There's nothing to connect to, no reality where I could truly attach myself, and it's eating me on the inside.
I have noticed I am unconsciously trying to detach myself even more, perhaps out of fear of losing something more; lately I have grown tired of losing so I try to make myself believe I don't care anymore. That's not true, of course, it's a sad defense mechanism which makes me feel even more afloat.
I never thought of myself as a person who needs to belong, but as I grow older I can't deny the fact that I need some stability in my life. I am not sure though if it's some state of mind I should try to reach, or something more practical. All I know is that I feel strangely hollow, just wandering through different experiences without any purpose.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense even, it's hard to try to explain what is really going on. I've spoken about this with some friends, and the suggestions so far have been either to return to Finland or to make some other drastic change in my life that would resolve things.
Unfortunately returning to my home country doesn't appear as an option to me anymore. Feeling so volatile there my entire life, I have no hopes that it would have magically changed over these 3 years I've spent away. On the contrary, I think it would be even more shocking and depressing to move back to this culture I never quite found to be my own. As for the other solution, it makes more sense - change something, or rather, change everything. But how to do that? What kind of change should it be? I have no idea. I feel like I'm trying to climb up a mountain but it keeps crumbling under my feet as I advance.
Most of the time the solution to things like these is something terribly simple. Something that's right in front of my eyes but I just can't see it. If I stop looking, will it appear then?
It worked for a while. The sensation of being part of something was stronger when I first arrived in Portugal, but the only reason to it was because I knew I could never fully integrate to the cultrue. Thus it gave me a weird sensation of freedom and belonging at the same time. And now it has turned into floating in nothingness. There's nothing to connect to, no reality where I could truly attach myself, and it's eating me on the inside.
I have noticed I am unconsciously trying to detach myself even more, perhaps out of fear of losing something more; lately I have grown tired of losing so I try to make myself believe I don't care anymore. That's not true, of course, it's a sad defense mechanism which makes me feel even more afloat.
I never thought of myself as a person who needs to belong, but as I grow older I can't deny the fact that I need some stability in my life. I am not sure though if it's some state of mind I should try to reach, or something more practical. All I know is that I feel strangely hollow, just wandering through different experiences without any purpose.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense even, it's hard to try to explain what is really going on. I've spoken about this with some friends, and the suggestions so far have been either to return to Finland or to make some other drastic change in my life that would resolve things.
Unfortunately returning to my home country doesn't appear as an option to me anymore. Feeling so volatile there my entire life, I have no hopes that it would have magically changed over these 3 years I've spent away. On the contrary, I think it would be even more shocking and depressing to move back to this culture I never quite found to be my own. As for the other solution, it makes more sense - change something, or rather, change everything. But how to do that? What kind of change should it be? I have no idea. I feel like I'm trying to climb up a mountain but it keeps crumbling under my feet as I advance.
Most of the time the solution to things like these is something terribly simple. Something that's right in front of my eyes but I just can't see it. If I stop looking, will it appear then?
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