Get up, stand up

Whenever I feel troubled, I try to write something. So I've been trying to do exactly that. So far with little success, though. Apparently feeling the need to do something doesn't mean it works.

I'm not sure if I feel any better than a few days ago when I posted the last time. Quite honestly I try hard not to feel anything, but somehow my douchebag brain keeps popping things up to the surface when I least expect them. Drowning your sorrows doesn't work if your sorrows learned how to swim.

Right now I think everything is a bit unfair. I'm like a sulking 5-year-old kid in the dinner table, refusing to eat her vegetables. I'm trying to make myself believe that things happen for a reason, but lately it has occurred to me that most things in life make no sense at all. The big question about life is "but why?!" - and the answer is "because FUCK YOU that's why."

But you know what? I'm alive. Still breathing. Some dark red liquid is still flowing through my veins - whether it's blood or red wine, I do not know, but it keeps me going nevertheless. Perhaps life is not about enjoying all the time, as I thought it should be. On occasion you just need to survive. Preferably without becoming a bitter old cow while doing it. So that's how I'm setting my mind now. Getting through and hoping there's something nice waiting for me. At least I'm ready to settle with very little now; having very few expectations makes you grateful for the smallest things.

Besides, bitter people are butt ugly. And I'm a cute girl.

Goodbyes, bad byes

I'm facing a lot of changes in my life all at once, so I thought I'd start writing my blog again. As ever, I'll use it as my personal psychiatrist, where I shall pour all my doubts and fears and concerns. Might I warn you: I am currently full of all of the above mentioned, so this might not always be a cheery reading experience. I will try not to mope too much though; bad attitude never suited anyone.

Right now I'm in the middle of packing my things up. It's time to move yet again. I've lived in my current apartment for 6 months now and it was apparently enough time for me to forget how much I absolutely HATE moving. To put it simply: it's shit. You never quite remember how much things you actually own until you start opening all the drawers. Hopefully my grumpy mood helps me out a bit. I can be very efficient when I feel troubled.

Oh but shouldn't I be happy though? Change is always good, they say. I will live in a new neighborhood, in a new flat, starting at a new job. Lots of new things to get used to, and yet I find it hard to put on a positive mood. I guess I'm growing tired of thinking that changes make life any better. In fact I am more and more assured that changes can make life a lot worse. I'm not sure when I became such a negative person though. Or is it just called growing up?

It doesn't make it any better that I'm losing two important people from my life at the same time. Well - losing is a strong word, nobody is dying (I sure hope not, at least). I admit living abroad has been an amazing experience so far, but there are a few aspects I don't really know how to handle. The biggest one is saying goodbye for sure. I've said it too many times, it seems. Not that I would change anything or wish I hadn't get to know these people; surely not. But it seems unfair that I have to let all of them go at some point. I don't like goodbyes. What does that word even mean? Goodbye? What's so good in it? It's the worst kind of bye in the world. Also, I've realized that "crying it out" is not helping at all. The more I cry, the more I cry. And I'm not one of those people who manage to cry and look pretty. I'll get swollen eyes and puffed up face - even my hair seems to get messier (don't know why that is, to be honest) and I end up looking like this - without the ugly shirt, though:

Well - what do you think? Is this a sufficient amount of negativity for a gorgeous Monday? I believe it is. Usually I get over my crappy moods quite quickly so I'll try to write something happier next time. Hopefully someone out there is having a splendid day though. Perhaps tomorrow is better.