Living in denial has always been one of my greatest gifts. I can deceive myself into believing nearly anything; or escaping responsibility even though I would be the only one to blame. Perhaps it's a sign of creativity... Or just a sign of adolescent attitude. Manipulating others is not a specifically original trait. Everyone does it, to some extent. But when you start manipulating your own mind, you're bound to find yourself in a big mess.
That mess, of course, is me currently. I've lived my life in such deception so far that opening my eyes to the truth is harsh and uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I've decided to step out of it. Knock it off. No more excusing myself or creating some strange scenarios in my head that always make me the victim or the saint, thus redeeming me from liability.
I should thank my job for this. There is a strict no-bullshit policy which prevents me from doing this anymore. To put it simply, everything, anything and nothing I'm dealing with is ultimately my responsibility; forcing me to firstly make only good decisions to begin with, and be prepared to properly explain, should something go awry anyway. It might sound surprising that I'm only dealing with this now. It's a scary sign that I really, really have managed to fool myself for 28 years. Perhaps in the meanwhile I managed to fool some others, too. But no more.
I can't deny that it isn't quite depressing to figure such things out. Perhaps I could have done a lot better in my life, had I understood how things are earlier. But it's useless to look back now. There's no changing the past me - I can only concentrate on the present me. Hopefully future me will thank me for this.
Now please excuse me for writing such a dull and purposeless text, but I had a really long day and I have eaten next to nothing.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Singled out
Weird thing, how people find each other in this life. Friends, couples, whichever - it seems to be complete coincidental. And probably it is.
Lately I've been facing a lot of questions regarding my single life. Is this what you want, really? Don't you have a yearning for something steady? Don't you long for that special person in your life? You're not getting any younger, either. You should be thinking about these things. Settling down and parenting. Go find a guy and get married already.
Of course I've given it a lot of thought. I'm getting closer to that feared age of 30. Presumably I'm supposed to have things figured out by then. Some years earlier I felt the weight of age a lot more than now, actually. It seemed to me that everyone was getting it together and I was the sole human being on this planet who had no idea what she was doing. I questioned myself a lot, thought there was something wrong with me, or that I was just doomed to live alone. Not much has changed regarding those thoughts, I must admit. Perhaps there really is something wrong with me. I might just be that person who is never going to settle down and move into that little house in the suburbs.
But the stress is gone. Once I openly admitted to myself that maybe everyone is simply not meant to have that life, it all became clearer. And easier to handle. As I'm not anticipating for this to happen to me anymore, I feel strangely relieved and emancipated.
The question still remains would I have managed that life anyway? Could I have enjoyed it? Surely it's still perfectly possible that I will settle down at some point, but it's so much more simple to forget about it all. For now, at least. There are enough people on this planet; I have a set of amazing friends and family; and a very cute cat, too. Isn't that a lot already? This prehistoric longing for a certain kind of life seems suddenly outdated and useless. I don't judge people who do choose this life - "whatever makes you happy" is a good guideline here. But it might not be for everyone.
It's also possible that I'm living in a perfectly crafted illusion that I just made up so I won't feel so bad about myself all the time.
What do I know?
Lately I've been facing a lot of questions regarding my single life. Is this what you want, really? Don't you have a yearning for something steady? Don't you long for that special person in your life? You're not getting any younger, either. You should be thinking about these things. Settling down and parenting. Go find a guy and get married already.
Of course I've given it a lot of thought. I'm getting closer to that feared age of 30. Presumably I'm supposed to have things figured out by then. Some years earlier I felt the weight of age a lot more than now, actually. It seemed to me that everyone was getting it together and I was the sole human being on this planet who had no idea what she was doing. I questioned myself a lot, thought there was something wrong with me, or that I was just doomed to live alone. Not much has changed regarding those thoughts, I must admit. Perhaps there really is something wrong with me. I might just be that person who is never going to settle down and move into that little house in the suburbs.
But the stress is gone. Once I openly admitted to myself that maybe everyone is simply not meant to have that life, it all became clearer. And easier to handle. As I'm not anticipating for this to happen to me anymore, I feel strangely relieved and emancipated.
The question still remains would I have managed that life anyway? Could I have enjoyed it? Surely it's still perfectly possible that I will settle down at some point, but it's so much more simple to forget about it all. For now, at least. There are enough people on this planet; I have a set of amazing friends and family; and a very cute cat, too. Isn't that a lot already? This prehistoric longing for a certain kind of life seems suddenly outdated and useless. I don't judge people who do choose this life - "whatever makes you happy" is a good guideline here. But it might not be for everyone.
It's also possible that I'm living in a perfectly crafted illusion that I just made up so I won't feel so bad about myself all the time.
What do I know?
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Silly me, nevermind
Today at work I realized I had made a horrible, horrible mistake.
I had managed to make myself believe that in the future things will be better. Once I reach this certain thing in life, all my concerns and doubts suddenly disappear. That there is something called "then" and after that things just fall into place. And then I reach some insane level of happiness and become content with my life and myself.
Didn't quite go as expected, surprisingly. I didn't even understand I had had these expectations - until today, when it occurred to me that I was not exactly euphoric about my life, regardless of the certain nice news I've received lately.
It made me wonder if seizing the moment really is that hard. I believe it does take that extra effort - and isn't happiness supposed to be something that just... Kind of lands on you, when you're caught off guard? That's what I wanted to believe at least. That it can wait for you just behind that next corner and surprise you. But maybe not.
Besides, I had these unrealistic wishes and hopes regarding my future. That achieving certain things will elevate me and make me a better person or something. Yeah, right. I feel flawed, stressed, misplaced and dumb - perhaps now more than ever. I keep making mistakes and acting like a total moron. I keep disappointing myself; and I fear I keep disappointing others as well.
And then I realized something more. That's exactly how it's going to be. That's life. I will most likely never get rid of the feelings of insufficiency and inadequacy. I'll keep doing stupid things, buying stupid stuff, eating wrong food, hurting people, hiding from reality. I will never reach that paramount where I can stand and shout "Hello! I'm a great person! Just take a look - yes, I'm quite awesome!"
Naeh. Not me, anyway.
Maybe I should just concentrate on being happy about a cup of hot chocolate or such.
Which I am currently drinking.
With all my flaws.
I had managed to make myself believe that in the future things will be better. Once I reach this certain thing in life, all my concerns and doubts suddenly disappear. That there is something called "then" and after that things just fall into place. And then I reach some insane level of happiness and become content with my life and myself.
Didn't quite go as expected, surprisingly. I didn't even understand I had had these expectations - until today, when it occurred to me that I was not exactly euphoric about my life, regardless of the certain nice news I've received lately.
It made me wonder if seizing the moment really is that hard. I believe it does take that extra effort - and isn't happiness supposed to be something that just... Kind of lands on you, when you're caught off guard? That's what I wanted to believe at least. That it can wait for you just behind that next corner and surprise you. But maybe not.
Besides, I had these unrealistic wishes and hopes regarding my future. That achieving certain things will elevate me and make me a better person or something. Yeah, right. I feel flawed, stressed, misplaced and dumb - perhaps now more than ever. I keep making mistakes and acting like a total moron. I keep disappointing myself; and I fear I keep disappointing others as well.
And then I realized something more. That's exactly how it's going to be. That's life. I will most likely never get rid of the feelings of insufficiency and inadequacy. I'll keep doing stupid things, buying stupid stuff, eating wrong food, hurting people, hiding from reality. I will never reach that paramount where I can stand and shout "Hello! I'm a great person! Just take a look - yes, I'm quite awesome!"
Naeh. Not me, anyway.
Maybe I should just concentrate on being happy about a cup of hot chocolate or such.
Which I am currently drinking.
With all my flaws.
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