Glimpses

A darling friend of mine gave me a speech a few days ago. "You should write!" She told me. And I agreed - yes, I will, I am going to start... Any day now.

Of course I did not. For once I can actually say I'm too tired. No thoughts running in my head. But I did manage to do something; I went through a lot of my old texts tonight. Some strange ramblings, random scribbles, letters, letters that I never sent, beginnings of stories, whatever. So in order to do something else than constantly complain about every single goddamn thing in this blog, I will blog some of these short texts here.

I feel the need to say though; there's no beginning or ending in most of these. Let's start with this one. Randomly. It's a true story but does not include the fact that I actually broke my phone right after the call ended. Censorship warning!

- - -

The phone call ended as abruptly as the whole relationship had ended. No warnings, no time to prepare. The battery just died, and stayed off, because even the charger was broken.

A thousand thoughts were flying through the air simultaneously. Making no sense and making the most sense at the same time, they confused her and consumed her and made the anger pop up to the surface once more. This time it returned with such edge and sharpness she hadn't felt like it before. It nearly paralyzed her. She could feel her heart wanting to break away from her chest, and she could feel her blood rushing through her veins like race cars. Yet she was unable to move, to make a sound, to even breath for a little while.

They had told her that things pass. Everything passes. The pain subsides and the hatred fades away, only to become a vague memory of a once pure feeling. And the love? Yes, that passes also. Until it's only a past dream that you can hardly recall - the faces are strange and their mouths move but you can't hear what they're saying anymore. That's how love passes. You fall down, and before you hit the ground you're terrified and scared - so, so scared, but once you hit the ground you go numb and another life has gone like that, and another one has begun, even without you knowing it.

Is it fair, to live like this, to love like this? She thought. Is it even meaningful, or are some of us here just to look and observe, never to achieve that what those others so easily stumble upon?

It's not, she concluded. And it's painful, too. And this world is too much to handle for a small girl like she is. It's too much to handle. And that's when she decided she wouldn't try to handle the world anymore. Maybe it was time for the world to try to handle her.

- - -

There we go. No whining.
Until next time...

Quietly

I calculated that I slept nearly 24 hours during the past weekend. That's one full day. Quite a lot, now that I think of it - but I really needed it. I didn't do anything purposeful for 2 days, safe for cleaning up and doing some laundry. And spending some quality time with my equally busy (and a bit stressed) friends.

My mindset is a bit more mellow now that I managed to reboot my brain. The good news is also that I will have this Friday off - so only 4 days of agony this week. And it will most likely become agony again, as we're receiving 2 new agents at the same time, perhaps on Wednesday. Obviously I have very little idea how to plan their training - I'm still in the learning process myself. Brain explosion is looming near again. I'll try to enjoy the mild serenity while it lasts.

Some unspoken restlessness is still present though. A sense of urgency but I can't figure out what it is. There's just no oblivion out there for me, is there? No sweet ignorance, no euphoric happiness. Did I ever even have that? I don't think so. Probably I'm just more aware of harsh realities of life nowadays.

Growing old really sucks ass.

Nothing to give

I've decided to stop posting my blog updates in Facebook. I realized I really don't have much to say - and least of all to a faceless crowd that I mostly don't even care about. So if you wish to follow up, you will have to do it independently.

Moreover, I plan to write a bit more personally from now on - so it's better I keep this away from any bigger crowd. I suppose most people don't find this constant whining very interesting anyway.

I'm realizing that my daily routines have changed a bit. I wake up every morning at the same time; after having slept 8-9 hours. Once I'm out of the shower I sip on my coffee and have quick overview on the news. And then I can start anticipating it: the first pang of anxiety will hit me approximately at 07:15. I don't know what is causing it - so far I'm only aware that it starts each day at the same time. Even if I try to cheer up and listen to some nice songs, perhaps, it doesn't go away. Rather, it lingers on throughout the day and alters a bit. Sometimes I feel a bit elevated - at other times it just gets worse. As I can't find out the source it's next to impossible to get rid of these sensations.

At lunch hour I quickly eat at the office and then head out to the park close by. There, for a bit less than an hour, I try desperately to bring my mood up. I sit alone, always on the same bench, facing the mild spring sunlight; and I play solitaire on my cell phone. Even I have to admit that the whole scene is kind of tragically humorous. After not being able to win even in solitaire I head back to the office and face the dreadful amount of stressing from every direction possible. It always leaves me feel completely inadequate, mediocre and basically failing in everything I do. Then I go home, cook something and yell at the cat, because he's conveniently there to take in all my frustration. And then I of course feel even worse, a struggling employee and a bad mother and I have no way out of any of it.

A few weeks ago I understood I'm terribly missing something. Like, it really feels like a part of me is gone. Perhaps a small part of me has disappeared with each person I've been forced to let go of - thus leaving me feeling completely hollow. Each day passing I'm becoming more sad, a bit more anxious, a bit more stressed, a bit more tired. Very tired. Exhausted.

I'm in a total mental standstill. I'm not thinking about new things anymore; I've given up daydreaming; I don't try to question my views; and I certainly do not try to make any new acquaintances. Why? Because I'm scared to death, to be honest. Completely paralyzed. I don't want to try anything new, or think that anything will get better, because I'm so absolutely sure it won't get any better anyway - and then it will just be a total waste of energy to keep hoping for something so unlikely.

Needless to say I'm not liking this state very much. I always thought I can overcome anything - what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger, and all that bullcrap. Well maybe I was wrong. I had such terrible lows last year I haven't seen such ever before in my life, yet somehow I managed to keep moving forward. And now I have finally stopped. I feel drained out and empty and I don't know where to pull out any more energy. The 9 hours I spend at work are merely a period of anxiety that I wish to end, only to arrive home and feel dull and uninteresting and stupid.

Maybe it's just the famous spring blues. Maybe it's not. What if I'm just not fixable?

What happened to me? When did I become so sad?

Exchange

There seems to be a certain price to pay when you meet new people. It's completely random, hardly ever easy, and certainly never goes as you originally planned.

Since forever, human beings have traded things for other things. In the early days of trade-off you could swap some squirrel skins for salt, for example. The execution hasn't changed much since; we still exchange - only now with money, or at least some forms of it. This exchange functions in other fields of life, as well, if you think about it. It's quite a gruesome view to be honest - I was a bit shocked when I thought about it for the first time.

A friend of mine broke down the term "relationship" to me in a rather off-putting way recently. So here goes, as briefly as I can put it: all relations in life are based on a certain level of positive emotional exchange. And intellectual, usually. Sometimes some other things as well. Basically we tend to spend time with people who we find to be more profitable for us; not in terms of money or other riches, but this... Human exchange, shall we call it.

It's not like you enter a new relationship with this in your mind. You simply feel good with certain people and therefore decide to spend more and more time with them. Natural. But when I think about it, it does seem to be a rather selfish deed. This person gives me a feeling of well-being; thus, I shall include them in my social circle. In return, this person seems to think the same of me, which makes me feel appreciated. There. A little positive emotional exchange.

As this might be true in terms of appreciation and simply feeling good, it tends to function in other ways also. As time goes by we are inevitably exchanging more than just nice emotions. After a while you start giving out your, let's say, less desirable traits. All the traumas, fears, troubles and concerns are suddenly thrown into this exchange; some of them we're able to resist, and some of them we absorb. Thinking about this, I have certainly adopted many views and thoughts from people I've met. A lot of them not so beneficial. The assuming part is easy. You don't even notice you're taking things in. You might realize this later on, but even then it's hard to get rid of them.



Perhaps in the beginning friendships as well as other relationships are based on this exchange of good feelings. But I must dispute this positive exchange a bit; that's not how things proceed. Sometimes you stick with people who seem to give you nothing at all - or only negative things. Why would anyone do such a thing? Why should I spend time with someone who is mostly not giving me anything positive?

Well, I guess that in this human exchange theory, there's this one little flaw; we're able to love.
After that, it hardly matters how much someone can pour shit on you. That loving part is a goddamn pain to get rid of.

Brain, no gain

Human brain - what a stupid little organ it is. Truly. I've done some thinking and reached a conclusion: brain is dumb.

It fools you into believing that it's an utter necessity in life; it's wide and smart and fun and it controls everything in your body. It's the only organ you have that is thinking, but as we will later see, this quality is indeed not as desirable as brain makes you think. Yes, brain makes you think about thinking! First scumbag point achieved.

It's always on. That's what bothers me sometimes. You can't switch it off. Unless, perhaps, you have a severe brain damage - and even then it sometimes manages to control your body functions, like a little blind tyrant, taking over and steering your other, dumber organs when in fact all the other organs just want to die away.

Sometimes you think you can switch your brain off when you go to sleep. Ah, those few hours of the day when your thoughts are not running around your head like a flock of schizophrenic lemmings. But no. This is merely the time for the brain to introduce you to the dark, secret part of your subconsciousness that you managed to evade during the day. You dream. It's a great, gory, horrifying display of what awful things your brain can generate. And you wake up thinking, what the fuck was that?! How did I come up with such a fucked up thing? Isn't there a moment of peace? No. I regret to announce, no there's not.

On occasion you also think you can numb your head and fool your thought patterns by certain substances. And it might work for a while. But afterwards it's just worse. Not helping at all, in the end. You frantically run through the hazy memories of the previous night and realize that was not smart. That was actually quite stupid. And your head hurts. And your feet hurt. And your knee hurts and you don't even know why. Even without the physical pain you're bound to have some unbearable mental agony.

But isn't brain quite cool, sometimes? I mean, it comes up with stuff. Ideas. Imagination. That's some cool stuff right there. You can picture things inside your own mind with your eyes closed. Yet again, you are wrong. It is not cool. You end up thinking about things you should not be thinking about, imagining things that are not healthy for you, and dreaming about things that you will most likely never achieve anyway. Once you understand this you try your best to think of something else: but because your brain is a total moron, it will sneak those unwholesome thoughts back to the top sooner than you expected. And so it goes, you're stuck with the thoughts in your head and there is no way in the world you can get them out of there.



Which brings me to another issue with brain: memory. It can be fun sometimes, of course. And useful. And then your brain starts shooting. You smell something and have an instant flashback. You see something and it brings you to tears in a split second. You travel back in time, to the moments that could have been forgotten, that should have been forgotten - but they linger on; as vivid as ever, they pop into your mind and you're rewinding and regretting and then remembering more. You didn't even realize that you still had those memories, but oh yes you do - they're right there, stored and archived and well-maintained, so that you can instantly go back to the moments of your life you so hard tried to forget.

Besides, brain is also responsible for such heinous things as guilt, concerning, troubling, moral issues, self-loathing, hatred, pity, anger, envy and many other things you could do well without.

I feel like I'm being held hostage by my own brain sometimes. I can't get out of it. I'm stuck inside the murky dirt and each day passing I try to get out, but there's no exit - and there's no entrance - it's a closed labyrinth and I keep running inside, hoping to escape, but I never will. I'm a prisoner inside my own skull.

I think we desperately need a zombie apocalypse.

One for the lovers

Love, oh love. What a wicked thing.

Loving is arguing, irritating small habits, doubting, hating, stupid fights over dinner, disagreements about the linen colors. It's stupid and exhausting and annoying and it eats you up on the inside, and it eats you up on the outside, and you think "what the fuck am I doing with this person!" And that person is thinking the same about you, and you go to bed after an argument and wonder if this is really what I want from life? And it's a curse and a burden and you lose your freedom, somebody wants to know who was that guy you spoke to at the bar, and leaves their dirty underwear on the bedroom floor, and buys stupid useless things all the time, and never remembers to water the plants, and does the dishes like, never! And they get so stupid when they're drunk, oh my God it's embarrassing, and they try out a new hairdo and you think it's just awful but you have to play along and hope that it grows back, and maybe they never want to have kids - or maybe you would have ugly stupid kids and that would be even worse, and they take forever in the bathroom, and they don't put the toilet seat down, and they talk too much with their parents, or too little, and they would most certainly buy you the wrong kind of ring if they would propose, why the fuck hasn't he proposed yet?! Am I just wasting my time here? And they listen to annoying songs, and they still haven't mentioned marriage, is there something wrong?! Something is definitely wrong, and they want garlic in everything, I mean, everything, and then they smell even worse in the morning, and they want a cat but you want a dog, and they always look at other people on the street, what the fuck, am I not goodlooking anymore? And they're there for you, and they take your shit, and they take your happiness, and that's all you can goddamn ask for.

It's not a curse. It's the most irritating, heart-quenching, horrible blessing you can have.
You shouldn't forget that.