For you

I have spent so much time concentrating on other things that I'm pretty sure I've forgotten what's essential. Would you help me remember? It will take some time. You must be patient with me.

Would you remind me

How to give you half of my blanket in bed, because I'm so used to having it all for myself?
How to lay there and listen to you, and what you dreamed of when you were a kid,
How to allow you to make me breakfast in my kitchen, even though you will probably make a mess and it will irritate me that you don't place all the spices in the right places again;
How to let you kiss my neck on a public place without paralyzing?
How to speak of myself without trying to conceal who I truly am?
How not to be afraid of the fact that you like me?
How to give you the last strawberry yoghurt because it's your favorite too,
How to let you see me without make-up, and not be so goddamn intimated by it?
How to count your eyelashes,
How to let you hug me when I've had a rough day,
How to be so anxious to see you again, but not scared shitless that I might not, because you wouldn't let me down like that?
How to let you tell me you've fallen in love, with me, of all creatures on this planet, and it's not ridiculous or stupid, no matter what I say?
How to let you carry the groceries because I don't need to be the superwoman,
How to cry on your shoulder and look all puffed and ridiculous and not care about that,
How to remember that I'm not my failures, or my fears or worries, and that I don't need to be perfect, ever?
How to calm down when I get angry and want to say stupid things, and when I take it all out on you - it's only because I trust you to handle those tantrums?
How to look at your smile and smile back because it's the most wonderful thing on this planet to look at,
How to trust that you're not going anywhere, not anywhere, or maybe to the store to buy some milk but that's it, that's as far as you'll go?
How to love you, and how to be loved in return?

And most of all, would you please remind me, that during all this time, you were arriving as fast as you possibly could, and it took quite a while, it might still take some more - there are all kinds of obstacles on the way - but once you finally get here, you will be here,

Here to stay.

Tick, tock, don't stop

I'm a generally paranoid person so doubting myself or the decisions I've made is an everyday routine for me. I'm used to it; I hardly even notice when I'm criticizing myself anymore. It's fine, I can take it, and sometimes perhaps even manage to learn a thing or two.

I don't really know how to handle big life-altering questions though. Those doubts that you easily shove away and excuse yourself out of them by simply telling yourself there will be time for that, too. Later I will do it. I still have time.

For how much time do I really have?

I'm spending days at the office, stressing myself to the absolute limits, because... Well, firstly, because I get paid. Also, it "looks good in my resume". And as time goes by I'm realizing these are the main reasons for me to go to work.

Oh, it could be worse for sure. I have it quite good to be honest. A steady office job with a decent paycheck and some future prospects even. But some horrible doubts have arisen in my mind and I can't seem to suffocate them - not as I used to at least.

Mostly I find my workdays dreadful. That's it, in all honesty. The amount of work and stress that is poured on me is overwhelming to say the least. I'm spending hours and hours analyzing data that has absolutely no meaning for me. I'm pushing myself to the limit, for a job that really doesn't give me much in return. And in the meanwhile, that is certainly not what I want from life.

People seem to have this great idea about a life - that after an X amount of time, I will actually have the chance to do what I really want to do. Really though? That is such a bullshit line. I'm working now, so that I might have a better job in some years to come - another job that I don't feel passionately about; another job that drains me; and quite honestly I doubt that I will ever reach that magical moment when I can just do what I really want to do.

Unless, of course, I have the courage to actually do it, now. I'm certainly not getting any younger - I've already missed some great opportunities in life, or simply lacked the courage to grab them. How much longer will I wait? If I wait too long, will I lose it, and ultimately forget the things I really wanted to do? Is life just slowly passing me by, while I'm waiting for the right time?

Such horrible doubts to have, and I sincerely don't know what I should do about them. Follow your heart, they always say. And what if my heart is wrong? Then what?

How much longer do I dare to wait?

But who was it for?

A letter that I never sent.
At least I can't recall sending it.
I probably didn't.

_ _ _ _ _

What would I have said if I had had the chance?

I would have told you that I was always honest. Silly, delusional, desperately in love, but honest. I had my wishes and hopes, that now seem ridiculous and shameful.

I would have told you that you put me through hell. Not the hell where people die burning, like the Bible teaches us. But it was a personal hell, where only I burned.

I would have told you that I'm a strong person. I am. And when I hit my darkest moments, I always knew I had my strength to carry me out - yet I also knew that there was a price that I had to pay for that strength, and it was a high price I eventually paid.

I would have told you that your friendship was greatly valued. Whatever the matter, I knew I could tell you and you would understand. Never in a million years did I imagine to find a person like you here. A strange, twisted mirror image of myself.

I would have told you about the moments when I accidentally started thinking of you. At work; at a grocery store; at a bus; at a nightclub; at home - you name it. And every time I thought about you I felt like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest. And then I would continue like nothing ever happened, hoping that nobody would see that ugly, open, bleeding wound right in the middle of my chest.

I would have told you that I've missed you. So many little things that I wanted to tell you, things that you would laugh at, things that would make you happy, things that only you would understand.

I would have told you that the only thing I ever asked of you was honesty, and it was ultimately the only thing you chose not to give me.

And then I would have told you that we will be apart. Unknown, unfamiliar to each other. Non-existent.

I never sent this to you. But I loved you very much.

_ _ _ _ _

I have a sense of drama, it seems.