Tick, tock, don't stop

I'm a generally paranoid person so doubting myself or the decisions I've made is an everyday routine for me. I'm used to it; I hardly even notice when I'm criticizing myself anymore. It's fine, I can take it, and sometimes perhaps even manage to learn a thing or two.

I don't really know how to handle big life-altering questions though. Those doubts that you easily shove away and excuse yourself out of them by simply telling yourself there will be time for that, too. Later I will do it. I still have time.

For how much time do I really have?

I'm spending days at the office, stressing myself to the absolute limits, because... Well, firstly, because I get paid. Also, it "looks good in my resume". And as time goes by I'm realizing these are the main reasons for me to go to work.

Oh, it could be worse for sure. I have it quite good to be honest. A steady office job with a decent paycheck and some future prospects even. But some horrible doubts have arisen in my mind and I can't seem to suffocate them - not as I used to at least.

Mostly I find my workdays dreadful. That's it, in all honesty. The amount of work and stress that is poured on me is overwhelming to say the least. I'm spending hours and hours analyzing data that has absolutely no meaning for me. I'm pushing myself to the limit, for a job that really doesn't give me much in return. And in the meanwhile, that is certainly not what I want from life.

People seem to have this great idea about a life - that after an X amount of time, I will actually have the chance to do what I really want to do. Really though? That is such a bullshit line. I'm working now, so that I might have a better job in some years to come - another job that I don't feel passionately about; another job that drains me; and quite honestly I doubt that I will ever reach that magical moment when I can just do what I really want to do.

Unless, of course, I have the courage to actually do it, now. I'm certainly not getting any younger - I've already missed some great opportunities in life, or simply lacked the courage to grab them. How much longer will I wait? If I wait too long, will I lose it, and ultimately forget the things I really wanted to do? Is life just slowly passing me by, while I'm waiting for the right time?

Such horrible doubts to have, and I sincerely don't know what I should do about them. Follow your heart, they always say. And what if my heart is wrong? Then what?

How much longer do I dare to wait?