24 Reasons why I'm single

So I've been reading some articles & comment sections on the great Interwebz about what it's like being single, and why people (in this case mostly women) are single to begin with. There is a lot of whining and complaining and self-pity in these; especially the comments section - you know, like, "I am so cute and adorable and pretty and smart ahhh I totally deserve a boyfriend but the universe is against me" crap. Well. I, for one, am not fooling myself. There are plenty of reasons why I'm single. Good reasons. Just see below.

1. I smoke.
I smell and taste like an ashtray. Sexy!

2. I drink.
Sometimes, A LOT.

3. I'm a grammar nazi.
I will mock your grammatical errors shamelessly. However, it is NOT funny if I (for some reason) manage to say something incorrectly.

4. I'm offensive.
On purpose. I've said things like "you remind me of a retarded bear because you move so slowly" and "I should call you a slave because you come from a 3rd world country" to my dates. And then I called him a slave.

5. I'm irritating.
I pinch, poke, pull your hair, and make really stupid remarks about you.

6. I will not share my chocolate.
Like, if you ask if I have any chocolate left, I will most likely say "no" even though I do. Because it's my chocolate and GTFO.

7. I swear "like a pirate."
I've heard this one many times. Well fuck it. Swearing makes talking fun.

8. I have a shoe syndrome.
Not a fetish - no. I just can't handle guys who walk around in running shoes or crocs or something horrid like that. I once made a guy buy 2 pairs of Converse All Stars because I just couldn't take it. Afterwards, he told me, his new girlfriend "totally loved the shoes". Yeah, you're welcome.

9. I can create a fight or a salad out of nothing.
And neither one of these options is really good.

10. I'm neurotic.
Highly, highly neurotic.

11. I make bad decisions.
All the time... You will see.

12. I'm not very romantic.
A guy once bought me a necklace and it was terrifying.

13. I speak about you to my girlfriends (even guy friends although they definitely don't want to hear it).
Yes, THEY KNOW.

14. I'm overly dramatic.
Some of the things I've said or done are absolutely hilarious in retrospect, though. In my opinion at least.

15. I write passive-aggressive text messages and e-mails.
Sometimes I manage not to send them though. But that's not very often.

16. I'm mildly OCD.
You shouldn't try to cook in my kitchen because that makes me #10, #9 and #4 all at once.

17. I have a cat.
And that is kind of like a statement that even though we might be going out for a while, one day I am determined to become the Crazy Cat Lady. It has already begun. It's inevitable.

18. I can be manipulative.
But this you won't realize. Not until it's too late.

19. I have a bad sense of humor.
Because farts are funny.

20. I have an embarrassing dance style.
Like techno viking, but a bit more to the drunk side.

21. I'm weird.
I've also heard this one many, many times. Some guys have disguised the word "weird" by saying I'm "interesting" or "different" or "curious" but that's like eating really bad food, and then trying to compliment it by saying something horribly vague like that.

22. I become aggressive if I drink too much.
Watch out.

23. I'm dysfunctional.
I don't think I have successfully functioned more than 4 hours in a row, ever.

24. I think anyone who dates me has some kind of a mental defect.
I mean, just read points 1-23 again.

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more, but perhaps it's better I just stop here.
Good luck to you, Mr. Next Victim, who will make the horrible mistake of dating me in the future. I pity you already.